“Holiday Heathen”

Sorry to be such a Scrooge, but when it comes to the holiday season, I legitimately enjoy New Year’s…and that’s about it. The more years that come to pass, the less and less interested I become in the cultural cluster-fuck* that is Christmas. I’m all for wonder and merryment … but aren’t those things that we can pretend to promote all year round? Why exactly do we need Christmas to come along to tell us that it’s time to be generous? And are Christmas gifts any more sincere or valuable than gifts given any other time of the year? No, of course not.

Christmas is probably the one time of year when I feel the least sincere.

Also, I more or less love these alternative holiday cards.

*Sorry, I wasn’t very clear here. First you’re bombarded with all of these THINGS and shit as early as October. Then all of the major retail outlets turn into madhouses where throngs of people go to lose their humanity in order to snag a deal on something that will be obsolete in a year’s time anyway. Then everyone suddenly finds themselves broke or in debt, not to mention guilted into the mindless giving of THINGS to people who already have plenty of THINGS. Then all of that stuff gets returned and it becomes apparent that it really isn’t the thought that counts anymore. And then you have the Christmas-humping groups like the American Family Association who claim that everyone everywhere is trying to attack them and their values while they proceed to shove those same values down everyone’s throats. And finally it’s all said to be done in the name of good will towards men.


Edgy Things (revised)

On the Edge and The Edge of Love ended up being two really great films. On the Edge really resonated with me, though it’s largely about self-harm. There were some really stellar scenes in that one, especially the ones involving Tricia Vessey’s Rachel.

Tricia Vessey as Rachel

Not only was she beautiful, but something about the way Rachel was, just felt so endearing and right. The pairing of Rachel with Cillian’s Jonathan was bittersweet (since it leads to tragedy for someone else), but resonated with me. Rachel’s bizarre blood fetish was another point of intrigue. Except towards the end, she wouldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t quite relate anymore …I mean, she had good reason to cry, but by that point in the film I wasn’t submerged enough in her anymore to understand. There were a few points during the film where I thought I might cry, but I didn’t or couldn’t. I think this is because they kept talking about death, which seemed like a non-emotive subject to me at the time.

I also really enjoyed Jonathan Jackson’s Toby. He had some of the best lines, but his ending is…not happy. Other than that, the soundtrack for this film was fantastic and Cillian also had some great lines.

The Edge of Love, where he stars opposite Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller and Matthew Rhys, was pretty fabulous as well. I will admit that I pretty much hated Matthew Rhys’ character Dylan. I hated the character, but Rhys himself was good. What I liked most about this movie was probably Sienna Miller, and it just makes me want to see Hippie Hippie Shake even more; in Hippie Hippie Shake, Sienna and Cillian play a young couple in 1960s London who become involved in a censorship case. Production on that one has wrapped, and I’m pretty certain it has been in post for the past year…but it has yet to be released.

Right now, I am on Second Life with some people…and I was convinced that I should imbibe. I think I might have been a little too dehydrated to begin with though, and so now I feel real weird. Am going to lie down now.

And other things..

Cillian looks sort of like a cat in that last post, don’t you think?

Anyway, my grandmother’s/father’s situation is even more depressing than usual. For the past several years she has been suffering with Alzheimer’s, and he has been dealing with that and the whole nursing home game. Besides the staff losing her dentures, allowing other residents to wear her clothing, and fucking up her meals (she has dietary requirements), up until this point my grandmother has remained in one piece.

Then a few weeks ago my grandmother reportedly “fell out of bed” and ended up fracturing her right femur, having to undergo surgery to fix it. Now she has a blood clot. Understandably, my parents are doubtful that she fell out of her bed, and are fairly certain that some neglect has occured.

My parents have always been suspicious of people and are not too trusting in general.This seems to be for good reason, since they both have hinted at having had their fair share of being ripped off, screwed over, taken advantage of, etc. I am much too naive to be their kid, as is my brother. But honestly…is there anywhere that you can safely place your elderly parents where they won’t be abused or neglected? I’m beginning to think there really is not, and I am not ambitious enough to think that I could care for two potentially ailing elderly parents by myself. What would I do?

My parents are both 64 years old. They came a little late to the parenting game, and unless they really are as hearty as I would like to believe, I will probably have to assume responsibility for their care within the next 15 – 25 years (give or take), and I am in no way prepared for that. I also have no way of knowing whether or not I will be prepared for that when the time comes. Is anyone ever? And the hereditary potential for Alzheimer’s, strokes and cancer further complicates matters.

I say I because I can’t always be certain of my brother’s dependability with these types of matters. He rarely visits my grandmother in the nursing home because it is too depressing for him? Well of course. Being 86, having Alzheimer’s, living with strangers who could care less, having a rod in your thigh and not understanding how it got there or why it hurts would be depressing, in my opinion. If my grandmother had enough of her right mind left to voice that sentiment, I’m sure she would vouch.

Anyway, my dad mentioned the task of us sorting through all of the stuff that has been in our basement for years … mostly his and my mother’s stuff … so that in the event that something happens to one or both of them, my brother and I would not be stuck with 20 – 30 years worth of accumulations that we have no idea what to do with (sorta like what happened when my dad discovered how much stuff my grandmother had, and then had to figure out what the fuck he should do with all of it). Of course, my brother isn’t around here ever anymore and most likely will not come to help with this task.

My dad seems like he doesn’t have a life anymore and is more or less in nursing home/Alzheimer’s hell with my grandmother. The prospect of this history repeating itself later on makes my stomach curl. My parents seem confused as to why I seem so unnerved all the time. At 22 and in relatively good health, I should be on top of the fucking world. Ideally, yes mom and dad, I should be. But despite how lucky I am, I don’t think that way. Most people don’t…and especially most young people. Generalized anxiety ensures that the glass is half empty … and probably also a little dirty.

I’m not the best at dealing with anxiety, and have already decided that children are likely out of the question for someone of fragile mind like me. I wouldn’t want to any kid to have me for a spazz of a mother. I’m not even directly dealing with my grandmother’s situation right now, but it makes me feel really incompetent in comparison to my dad who has been a real trooper. Granted, he has had 40 additional years to figure out how to be responsible and cope with anxiety. Still, considering the fact that the source of anxiety is always changing… I suspect it never really gets easier. Will I be able to hold it together when the time comes so that my parents don’t have to end their lives in misery? I can only hope so.

On a lighter note, I am really looking forward to seeing Tron this weekend. I am also looking forward to checking out Tiny Furniture, but I don’t think it is showing anywhere in St. Louis. I’m not only looking forward to see this film because it features miniatures, but also because judging from her NPR interview last week and some stuff I have seen online, Lena Dunham seems like she’s a really approachable, relatable person, or at least as approachable and relatable as a hipster art school filmmaker from Tribeca could seem to a non-that type of person.

Cillian Murphy Movie Marathon (updated)

So a few months ago I said I was watching movies with this guy (^^^) in them, right? Well, I am back at that whole business. Yesterday/today I watched Perrier’s Bounty. I also added a few more films to the list…

Disco Pigs


Batman Begins (seen it long ago, need to rewatch)

The Dark Knight

28 Days Later

Red Eye


Water (short film)

The Wind that Shakes the Barley

Girl With the Pearl Earring

Watching the Detectives

Breakfast on Pluto



Perrier’s Bounty

Cold Mountain (he only appears in this for like..2 mins. And I have seen those 2 mins., so…)

The Edge of Love

On the Edge


Zonad (I have seen a segment of this short film on YouTube)

A Man of Few Words (short film)

The Tale of Sweety Barrett

The Way We Live Now (TV mini-series)

Hippie Hippie Shake

How Harry Became a Tree

Watchmen (another short film)

Filleann An Feall

More short films and cameos to be added later…And rumor has it that Cillian has an uncredited/surprise cameo appearance in Tron: Legacy? According to the internet, his role in the film has maybe been kept under wraps to prepare for his introduction as a potential villain in the third Tron installment. <_< This has the potential to be really cool, but it also has the potential to be unforgivably lame (at no fault of Cillian’s, of course). I will conduct further investigation on Friday…

But I mean… I’m not gonna sit here and lie and say that the idea of joining two of my favorite things in life (Cillian Murphy and virtual reality) doesn’t make me want to pee my pants at least a little bit.

I just hope it is done tastefully. His cameo, that is… not the me potentially peeing myself.

Light Therapy

light therapy

Today might be dreary, but for the first time in 7 months, I am opening my curtains.

This winter might be okay. I feel a little bit better already.

I have had a few interesting dreams this week. Towards the beginning of the week, I dreamt that I was an up-and-coming guitarist. The only hitch was that for some reason every song I played sounded an awful lot like Stairway to Heaven. Later in the week I dreamt that I was meeting up with a number of college friends and acquaintances, one of which I attempted to have lesbian sex with. She freaked out and claimed she was a virgin, but she was lying.

This morning I dreamt that I returned to Truman. I met up with Joyce and she took me to the art gallery. Dr. Shoaff was the new gallery director, and had decided to move the main gallery entrance to the opposite side of the gallery and add a corridor next to it to display additional artwork. I couldn’t decide whether or not I liked the changes to the space. Then a few male students I didn’t recognize threatened to physically assault Joyce and I. I don’t remember whether or not they actually did.

I told Chris Drew the other day that I really want to see Ariel Pink perform again. I feel compelled to see him in L.A. specifically someday. If I ever make it out there, I hope to meet him. No wait, I take that back. I don’t ever want to meet him. Then he would know I exist and the fantasy of it all would be ruined.


That dream I posted last week was dumb so I deleted the post.

I feel moderately better now.

In other news, I am rewatching the entirety of Degrassi: The Next Generation for the purposes of reliving the early years of my young adulthood. I have so far made it half-way through season 4 (out of 10 seasons total). Jimmy just got shot. Let’s take a moment to reflect on his gangsta swagger. It has been missed.