And other things..

Cillian looks sort of like a cat in that last post, don’t you think?

Anyway, my grandmother’s/father’s situation is even more depressing than usual. For the past several years she has been suffering with Alzheimer’s, and he has been dealing with that and the whole nursing home game. Besides the staff losing her dentures, allowing other residents to wear her clothing, and fucking up her meals (she has dietary requirements), up until this point my grandmother has remained in one piece.

Then a few weeks ago my grandmother reportedly “fell out of bed” and ended up fracturing her right femur, having to undergo surgery to fix it. Now she has a blood clot. Understandably, my parents are doubtful that she fell out of her bed, and are fairly certain that some neglect has occured.

My parents have always been suspicious of people and are not too trusting in general.This seems to be for good reason, since they both have hinted at having had their fair share of being ripped off, screwed over, taken advantage of, etc. I am much too naive to be their kid, as is my brother. But honestly…is there anywhere that you can safely place your elderly parents where they won’t be abused or neglected? I’m beginning to think there really is not, and I am not ambitious enough to think that I could care for two potentially ailing elderly parents by myself. What would I do?

My parents are both 64 years old. They came a little late to the parenting game, and unless they really are as hearty as I would like to believe, I will probably have to assume responsibility for their care within the next 15 – 25 years (give or take), and I am in no way prepared for that. I also have no way of knowing whether or not I will be prepared for that when the time comes. Is anyone ever? And the hereditary potential for Alzheimer’s, strokes and cancer further complicates matters.

I say I because I can’t always be certain of my brother’s dependability with these types of matters. He rarely visits my grandmother in the nursing home because it is too depressing for him? Well of course. Being 86, having Alzheimer’s, living with strangers who could care less, having a rod in your thigh and not understanding how it got there or why it hurts would be depressing, in my opinion. If my grandmother had enough of her right mind left to voice that sentiment, I’m sure she would vouch.

Anyway, my dad mentioned the task of us sorting through all of the stuff that has been in our basement for years … mostly his and my mother’s stuff … so that in the event that something happens to one or both of them, my brother and I would not be stuck with 20 – 30 years worth of accumulations that we have no idea what to do with (sorta like what happened when my dad discovered how much stuff my grandmother had, and then had to figure out what the fuck he should do with all of it). Of course, my brother isn’t around here ever anymore and most likely will not come to help with this task.

My dad seems like he doesn’t have a life anymore and is more or less in nursing home/Alzheimer’s hell with my grandmother. The prospect of this history repeating itself later on makes my stomach curl. My parents seem confused as to why I seem so unnerved all the time. At 22 and in relatively good health, I should be on top of the fucking world. Ideally, yes mom and dad, I should be. But despite how lucky I am, I don’t think that way. Most people don’t…and especially most young people. Generalized anxiety ensures that the glass is half empty … and probably also a little dirty.

I’m not the best at dealing with anxiety, and have already decided that children are likely out of the question for someone of fragile mind like me. I wouldn’t want to any kid to have me for a spazz of a mother. I’m not even directly dealing with my grandmother’s situation right now, but it makes me feel really incompetent in comparison to my dad who has been a real trooper. Granted, he has had 40 additional years to figure out how to be responsible and cope with anxiety. Still, considering the fact that the source of anxiety is always changing… I suspect it never really gets easier. Will I be able to hold it together when the time comes so that my parents don’t have to end their lives in misery? I can only hope so.

On a lighter note, I am really looking forward to seeing Tron this weekend. I am also looking forward to checking out Tiny Furniture, but I don’t think it is showing anywhere in St. Louis. I’m not only looking forward to see this film because it features miniatures, but also because judging from her NPR interview last week and some stuff I have seen online, Lena Dunham seems like she’s a really approachable, relatable person, or at least as approachable and relatable as a hipster art school filmmaker from Tribeca could seem to a non-that type of person.


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