More from the ongoing saga of I have fucked up dreams.

Alright so last night’s gem….

I dreamt that I was at home…..it was around Easter time apparently….and I told my dad that instead of doing the whole egg basket thing this year, I was going to write songs and hand them out to people. So I get out my three casiotone keyboards and one of them I notice has this weird problem where if I press a key it never stops sounding. So throughout a large portion of this dream scene I’ve got a middle C or something going on in the background.

My dream self starts coming up with song lyrics…and usually I write pretty catchy songs in dreams, which of course I can never remember the melody or lyrics to once I wake up. So I’m in my room at home (my old room, mind you) and I’ve got this song started that I’m getting pretty stoked about, when in walks Courtney King. And she has on this really cute red dress outfit with black tights. She says that her and Casey Whalen are going to some Easter party at a sorority somewhere and that I should join them. And I was like, no dude I gotta write these songs…and then I started talking to her about all of this music I was really into. At one point I start trying to talk to Courtney about Nouvelle Vague, and all of a sudden she gets all defensive and is like “No, I’m not going to talk to you about Nouvelle Vague” and I was like “What the fuck Courtney?” She seemed really enthused about all these other bands, but once I brought up Nouvelle Vague…she just wasn’t having it.

So I was like oookaaay, and then Casey showed up wearing this really cute yellow outfit. And I was like, fuck you guys are so cute and sociable..and I’m so antisocial and stupid. I told Courtney and Casey I wasn’t agreeing to go to the party, but I WAS agreeing to let them drive me to the party and then I would see them off at the door and then find a way back home (dumb, dream self, dumb dumb dumb). So anyway, we all got in Courtney’s car and my dream self literally rode to this stupid sorority house where this party was….and then got out and stood in the parking lot like an idiot (yeah this sorority had a parking lot) after Courtney and Casey and some other BOBs (who faces I don’t recall) went inside.

So then I was like “Well Fuck.” I started walking back…but instead of walking back home, I started walking back to Truman’s campus. But once I got to campus, it was totally whacked out. Like all of the quad was this big marsh-like field…it was like a fucking swamp it was so muddy and weird. This was like alternate universe Truman. Anyway, I called myself jogging back to Ryle…but none of the buildings looked familiar…actually none of campus looked familiar. This gets weirder…

So I go into this one building and walk around and notice that class is in session in all of the classrooms. And then, as I pass by classroom after classroom…I notice that all of the students are black. So I’m thinking….okay, this isn’t actually Truman..I must have stumbled onto the campus of an HBCU or something. No big deal, I’ll just ask for directions back to Ryle… Soooo then classes all let out, and I’m surrounded in a swarm of students, and they all look either really angry, really hungry or really like they are about to cut my ass if I don’t get out of their way (or maybe a combination of all 3?). (also my dream self is btw really into blatant stereotyping apparently). So I hop outside and turn around to look at the name of the building I was just in…and it says in really grimy, grungy, moss and mold-covered, blurry letters “Gecology”….the word started turning neon and pink, moving in and out of focus and shit……and at that moment a feeling of UTTER PANIC AND TERROR strikes me. And I’m like fuck, I don’t know what “gecology” means and I don’t know why the word looks like if I touch it I might get parasites, but I HAVE GOT to get the fuck out of here or else I’m going to die in some strange ‘gecological’ lab experiment….

Still not making any of this shit up. So I book it over to the nearest approachable looking lady on the quad (marsh) who is working at some sort of hippy civil rights save everyone in Uganda activist volunteer table, and I’m just like “pLEASE OH god point ME in the diRECTION of ryle Hall PLZ LADYgod doitquick”…and she points me in the direction I had arrived on this campus from and I am like “Fuck me.”…So I start jogging in that direction and literally jog myself in a circle around the fucking campus….no Ryle in sight.

The last thing I recall is being intensely frustrated and wondering if I should have taken up cross-country.

o_O

sidenote: Yes. I have googled ‘gecology’. And no, Google, I did not mean ‘gynecology’….

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It all amounts to nothing in the end

If there is one thing that I hate about music (and I love music), it’s the fact that no one else can ever truly experience a song the way that you do. You can feel somewhat of an emotional connection to the singer or songwriter or musician…but the song is a different experience for each person who performs it or hears it.

There are so many intangible things that a song can make you feel, but it’s like there is no true way to possibly express those feelings to another individual…or there is no true way of knowing that the song makes them feel the same way.

One song can be a unique world that can only ever be explored by one person at a time. I would like to say that as typically social creatures, people should be able to share these things…and I guess in a superficial way we do/we claim to….but no one else can ever really know what goes on between one person and a song.

It just sucks because certain songs can take you to really amazing places…places no one else can ever truly go. I guess just idolizing whoever made the song(s) will have to suffice….

This is unusual for me to say, but…

It feels pretty damn good to be home right now. For a while, I felt like I was becoming ungrounded as a person…which I’ve never really experienced before. I have at times felt like I was too far up in the clouds to function properly in society, but I still essentially knew who I was. But I think I have begun to lose touch with myself a bit, and I’ve been floating away…getting carried away you might say.

I have been struggling with the task of distinguishing myself from my emotions. I have, of course, come to the conclusion that I am not my emotions, however I think that returning home for the next week will be a good, identity-affirming experience for me. Familiar people, smells, situations…it’s all good right now. It feels good. It feels right.

I have been very sensitive to smells lately. It’s like, every experience I have and every person that I interact with I file away in my mind based on the smells that I associate it or them with. My sense of smell is becoming more and more integral to the way I remember and appreciate experiences and time spent with others. It is taking on a new importance, a new role..and I really like it. I have never felt so in tune with my nose. It is like it is telling me things.

I was telling Joyce yesterday that while I was walking outside earlier in the day, I noticed how sweet the air smelled. Usually, I wouldn’t think twice about it, but i just became really wrapped up in it. I would describe the smell for you, but I don’t think I could adequately do that, and I also don’t think it would make a difference — It was sweet, and I didn’t want to go inside. This isn’t the first time I’ve been tempted to find excuses to be outside. But unfortunately I usually have places to be and/or things to work on that necessitate the use of electricity. :/

But getting back to smells, home smells really….”right” to me right now. And it’s not even that the smells are pleasing on a physical level….it smells like…dust…lots of unsorted clothing…and my cat. Not too appealing when you spell it out. But on some subconscious, more intuitive level, these smells are deeply pleasing to me.

More on this later.

De E For Fin For Mig

I’m in the library again, listening to Dungen (doon-gun) and chilling out. I’ve decided that spring break is going to be devoted to taking care of myself again. I’m going to get my hair cut and conditioned, maybe buy some pants…..eat healthy?…maybe try to clear up my skin. It will be a productive week I anticipate *knock on wood*.

I am currently working on some writing assignments for my JINS (junior interdisciplinary seminar) course. 2 paragraphs on Jane Loevinger’s stage model for ego development down..9 pages to go. :/ But on the plus side, I am rocking this little red jacket today….

More on these things later…

I drank two bottles last night.

I am sitting at my favorite table at the library ….which, for those of you who don’t know is the round table, 2nd floor, west side, south end..although the one at the north end is nice too…same table though, really). And I am blogging.

What I’d really like to express today is the fact that Stellarium is quite possibly the cutest and “most best” astronomy program I have ever had the pleasure of stumbling across (and I’ve stumbled across like five…) It’s really very beautiful, and the user-interface is well…user-friendly. You even have the option of turning on the constellation artwork!

Check this out: http://www.stellarium.org/

In other blogs across town, I have shared the fact that I will be getting braces in about a week. Not that anyone cares, but I’m still mildly interested. Also, I have failed yet again in my quest to pull an all-nighter. I made it to 5:15am two nights ago, but I keep giving in to my personal well-being and end up sleeping…:/

Anyway, I’m going to use Stellarium now to complete the lab assignment that was due yesterday. I might be back later with my first batch of audio goodies.

Toodles.