For the Love of John, Make It Stop?

babby Cusack

John Cusack’s 1982 sophomore yearbook photo. Don’t judge me. You don’t know what it’s like.

Of his 56 film career (not including upcoming projects in pre-/post-production or principal photography), I have seen 46 films. No signs of stopping, although I am becoming a bit concerned…

Lately I have been having these weird and raunchy dreams after watching John Cusack movies. Essentially, I’m John Cusack and I’m having really intense sex with his female lead. Last night it was Kate Beckinsale. A few nights ago it was Ione Skye. Dear subconscious, I think you’ve got it all backwards.

Shouldn’t I be dreaming that I’m the girl he’s banging, and not the other way around?? Is it that deep down I don’t really want to be with John Cusack… but that I just want to be John Cusack?? Am I that engaged by his masculinity that I secretly desire to adopt it? I don’t think I’m ready for that level of creepiness. I mean, why would I want to be a 45 year-old dude? Is it penis envy? (gross) Should I be legit considering a sex change? What does it all mean?!?

Maybe I’m subconsciously entering a portal into someone else’s mind… Except, instead of John Malkovich… it’s John Cusack?? *headscratch*

Although that would beg the obvious question… what the fuck is he doing banging Kate Beckinsale 10 years after the fact?