When Irish Eyes Are Smiling or Stabbing Your Soul

This is where I talk about my two favorite celebrity Irishmen and the weird things that their eyes do.

I couldn’t imagine being Yvonne McGuinness (Cillian Murphy’s wife) every day. Being constantly surveyed by those eyes! I’m enough of a self-conscious blob as it is. But I’m sure to her, he’s like a normal baby daddy dude who gets on her nerves for doing normal baby daddy dude stuff. Gosh, I would probably get irritated with him too if he tried to be normal with me. You can’t have those eyes and lead a normal life. I wouldn’t put up with that. His whole pretense as a normal person is a lie. He’s an extraterrestrial. Normal shit that he does is like abnormal by default.

It’s like when you make a Sim with the daredevil trait in the Sims 3, and then in their day-to-day life you have options like taking an “extreme shower,” or checking your “extreme e-mail.” Everything he does must seem intense. If he ever wanted to be my normal baby daddy dude, he’d have to wear shades. I could not be normal and domestic living in a house with eyes that could drill holes INTO MY SOUL. (Just kidding… I prolly wouldn’t actually make him wear perpetual sunglasses).

And then there’s John Cusack…

John Cusack has totally non-sinister puppy dog eyes. Take the above photo for example. How can that not illicit an “AwwWWwwwpwuppyyy” visceral response?? I feel like I ought to be squeezing something soft and/or furry. But his smiley face does make me curious though, because I don’t think he can actually see out of his eyes when he’s doing this full-on John Cusack smile. Like, if he smiled any harder, his eyes would just disappear. They would just minimize into oblivion, into 1pt thick arcs, and then they would just vanish…with like…a flash of light, and a popping sound. He would just have no eyes. No actual confirmation on that yet, but it’s a likely theory that I have…

He doesn’t have extraterrestrial, life-threatening, on-again off-again creepy, blue dagger of death eyes like Cillian. Although, in interviews it does seem like John Cusack has a tendency to stare people down as though they were from outer space. He’s got quite an impressive poker face. John Cusack would never crack under pressure. If I had a super secret that I was trying to keep safe from the feds, or from anyone really, I would totally tell John Cusack. He would never tell anyone.


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