Is The Milk Carton Half-Empty? Or Half-Full?

This guy must love dogs…

So I was looking at my blog, and I decided that it is very lame. The only way out besides deleting it or ignoring it for the rest of eternity, is to turn it into a blog about something really relevant and useful and promising and interesting and meaningful, right?

So then I was thinkin’…

What if I started blogging exclusively about John Cusack? I mean, not really about him (since I clearly have no clue as to what he’s like, where he is, what he does, or why any of that really matters in the first place), but ya know… just like, a general appreciation type thing related to his work, his– wait, I can hear someth– Hello?

Lloyd Dobler: “I just wanted to say that I think that idea is really pretty great. I mean, it’s really pretty great, isn’t it? I mean, chances are, you will never have another idea as great as that one.”

Uhhh… ok? Wait, are you John Cusack?? I know I was just talking about you, but you kind of interrupted my blog post. I mean, it’s okay I guess. But I didn’t even ask for your opinion, and then you kind of offended me. How did you get the number for this blog anyway?


That was weird. All I want to do with this blog is experiment and try new things. I’m 23. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing at this stage in life, or did I already miss that boat? I just want it to be good and meaningful, and not so saddening and pathetic all the time.

Lloyd Dobler: “I’m pretty sad and pathetic right now. I’d probably feel better if you made your blog all about me though. I’m standing in the rain. I just got dumped. I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen. Now Diane won’t answer my calls. Won’t you answer my calls?”

Wait I’m confused, are you calling me collect from the past?? Listen, Joh– er, Lloyd— I like you and all, and I want to blog about you, but can you please stop calling me in the middle of my blog post? We can talk about this after I’m finished writing. I mean, deciding whether to re-purpose or not to re-purpose her blog is one of the most important decisions a 21st century girl can make in life.

So I want to give this some proper thought. I need time to really think this through. I’m sorry about Diane, by the way. She’ll come back to you. I know how the movie ends. Hold on a minute, I think I’m getting another call.


Vince Larkin: “Sorry, the line went bad or something last time. Anyway look, you gotta commit to this. You gotta execute. We could probably even ca$h in on this operation. How about this for my next movie: A sad and disillusioned young woman from Missouri resurrects my career from its post-apocalyptic thriller slump out the comfort of her own bedroom in “Must Love Blogs.” I’d be playing the part of John Cusack of course.”

JEEZUS, what?! Who are you people?! Stop pressuring me! It will either happen, or it won’t. Most likely it will, but still…”Resurrect” is a little harsh, John. And optimistic. Nobody even reads this blog. Besides, your last few movies weren’t so bad. …Well, except for 2012. That one sucked. And I guess Hot Tub Time Machine. And yeah, War, Inc. also kinda… >_> Hm.


I can’t believe John Cusack wants to make a movie about me blogging about him to my 3 friends. No one would pay to see that. Celebrities these days won’t even let you write a few sentences about how you’re maybe thinking about writing a few sentences about them, without trying to muscle in on the whole thing. Although this does give me a new idea… what if I made a movie based on John Cusack’s Twitter timeline?

Martin Blank: “I spy with my bionic eye… a sock monkey that you’ve named after me, along with my 10th grade yearbook photo that you’ve rasterbated and hung up on the back of your bedroom door. What would happen if photos of these artifacts got into the wrong hands, hm? What employer would ever take you seriously? Devote the blog to me, or else.”

EXCUSE ME? How can you see into my bedroom?!! You don’t even KNOW me. Stop hiding behind all these movie aliases. I know that it’s you, John! You jackass! Where ar– *Click*


Rob Gordon: “I hear you’re rowdy.”

What?! NO, I AM NOT. @#$! Janice Dickinson WARNED me that you’d pull this kind of weird, drunken phone soliciting shit. Fuck you. I am not up for playing any of your reindeer games tonight, John. And tell the others they can all fuck off too. *CLICK*

What a creepo. Guys, I’m sorry but I can’t blog about this guy. I mean, he’s a total creepo. Doesn’t he have anything better to do than internet stalk his own internet stalkers in realtime? If he even so much as THINKS about calling me from another freaky time-warped, geo-spatial internet bananaphone again, I will rip him off of my wall and out of my heart for good.

*faint sound of a quarter being placed into payphone*


That’s it. I’m gonna find the number to this blog, and I’m gonna change it. I don’t know how you change the phone number to a blog, or how this blog even got a phone number in the first place, but I’m gonna find it, and I’m gonna change it, and you, John Cusack, will be sorry.


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