I am having an unusually good day today emotionally and directionally. I feel sort of careless. Like I could do anything, and it doesn’t matter because the end result will always be the same. I will wake up again tomorrow. That outcome isn’t necessarily good, but today it negates all of the anxiety I would normally be experiencing.
Usually, I deliberate too much over things before I say them, eat them, do them or seek them. I wonder too much about the emotional consequences of being in a certain way. But not today. I feel right, and unashamed of everything I’m doing. Today it’s like I just woke up and was handed a set of instructions, and executing them is all that really matters.
Get out of bed. Use the bathroom. Brush teeth. Get into shower. Wash everything. Put on clothes. Walk around and do things. Eat that orange. Drink that milk.
Go to Kinko’s. Trim those posters. Go to the grocery store. Buy more milk.
Clean off that desk (this desk I haven’t been able to clean off in 6 months is now immaculate) I just threw everything into a bag and said To Hell With It! Why couldn’t I have done that months ago??
Nothing matters. So do everything. Nothing hurts. So say anything.
It’s the weirdest feeling. It’s different and great, but I’m afraid that if I blink it will go away. My mom asked me if I felt alright today, and I guess she wondered if Dr. Khan had changed up my medicine. He hasn’t. At least not yet, and I told her for the first time in months I felt pretty OK. She thought I was being facetious. She has accused me a number of times today of condescending her or being ingenuine. I resent that.
When my brother visits our house, I usually get irritated and bitchy and try my best to ignore him. But not today. I sought him out. I interacted with him.
I had a strange flow of internal dialogue in the shower this morning. I felt very confident. I didn’t shy away from the temperature of the water. I didn’t screw up my face when I put it under the stream. When I was done, I just turned towards the shower head and said, “I don’t want to be wet anymore.”
That last sentence, what you read just now….That is the dumbest thing I have ever admitted to doing. But even that’s OK today.
I dreamt about so many things last night. Playing on a soccer team. Eating an endless amount of grapes and cookies. Sleeping with another girl who in the end turned out to be myself. I don’t know what that last part meant, but it made more sense when I dreamt it.
My body feels different today. Maybe it’s just because I am freshly showered. Or maybe it’s because I got close to 14 hours of sleep last night. I’m not entirely certain, but I feel more flexible. More comfortable in my own skin. Less itchy. Literally.