Since when did my subconscious become so open about the fact that I am a sexually convoluted person? I don’t remember all the details of last night’s dream, but…I remember the most pertinent scenes (because I just awoke from it).
I was sitting in this boy, Alex’s room (too much Sims 3, apparently). He was an artist. We were really good friends apparently, but I could sense that I wanted to be in a relationship with him. His room was a mess of clothes. When he said he was going to bed, I cleaned his room for him without him knowing/without his permission. I was hoping he’d think it was sweet.
Next thing I know, I’m pregnant (again, too much Sims 3) and walking hand-in-hand with some jock boy who was not Alex. Me and this boy were walking down a hallway in a dorm next to some girl who was apparently friends with jock boy. Jock boy and I were apparently dating??? He started accusing me of liking girls, and of still liking Alex. I told him that didn’t make sense seeing as I have never been emotionally or physically attracted to a girl, PLUS the fact that I was quite noticeably pregnant (a state I could only have gotten into with the help of a boy), though I don’t think that boy was Alex. But this jock guy didn’t believe me, and he turned to me and goes “I can just sense things about you, okay?”..and then he stormed off with whoever the chick he was with was.
I was disgusted; not at the fact that he was convinced I was bisexual. But I was disgusted at the fact that he didn’t trust my own opinion on my own preferences. He was so thick-headed and narrow-minded, and that was what disgusted me the most. Anyway, I found myself walking around in front of BNB on Truman’s campus. There were tons of people that I knew there. Suddenly I was walking around with Jay Veatch. We pointed out people we thought were attractive (this included Seth Helling, but don’t tell him that. He doesn’t read this blog). Then Jay met up with some friends and it was just me, by my lonesome.
I then ran across Melissa Dierker, a best friend from grade school, and she offered me tons of ice cream. She had ice cream with pecans, and plain jane French vanilla (my favorite), and chocolate, etc. I suddenly and conveniently had plastic spoons overflowing from my purse. We sat and talked about what had just happened. I asked her for her opinion. I remember asking her to categorize me based on the following criteria: 1) I’m emotionally attracted to guys, but 2) If I were forced to watch porn, I’d rather it be lesbian, but 3) I’m not physically attracted to girls, because 4) I’m physically attracted to guys, and yet 5) I don’t actually want to have sex with girls or guys.
Then I assume we both had what was probably a “wtfwhatdoesitmean???” moment. Melissa told me that she thought perhaps I was bi-asexual, but that the only way I would know for certain was by trying some steak medallions with my ice cream. I honestly don’t know if this was some sort of dream euphemism for a threesome or some other taboo sexual encounter, and I’m betting that the entirety of this dream (and of Melissa’s suggestion) was primed by the fact that Joyce and I went to see Brüno last night (much to our amusement and discomfort). But now I am wondering if the implications of this dream have any validity…you know, in waking life?
The statements that I made in the dream were true to some extent, some more accurate than others. I’m not interested in “steak ice cream”, nor am I particularly enticed by lesbians, but perhaps this is my subconscious self’s way of telling me that I will continue to have all of these ‘if, ands or buts’ about my sexual nature until I try something bizarre or unconventional. It sounds all well and good, except for the fact that on a conscious level, I’m really okay with the fact that my sexuality (or near lack thereof) is somewhat confusing and/or misleading. It makes life interesting….and ocassionally more difficult.
And really, what is my obsession these days with pregnancy?? I don’t even like babies…