It feels pretty damn good to be home right now. For a while, I felt like I was becoming ungrounded as a person…which I’ve never really experienced before. I have at times felt like I was too far up in the clouds to function properly in society, but I still essentially knew who I was. But I think I have begun to lose touch with myself a bit, and I’ve been floating away…getting carried away you might say.
I have been struggling with the task of distinguishing myself from my emotions. I have, of course, come to the conclusion that I am not my emotions, however I think that returning home for the next week will be a good, identity-affirming experience for me. Familiar people, smells, situations…it’s all good right now. It feels good. It feels right.
I have been very sensitive to smells lately. It’s like, every experience I have and every person that I interact with I file away in my mind based on the smells that I associate it or them with. My sense of smell is becoming more and more integral to the way I remember and appreciate experiences and time spent with others. It is taking on a new importance, a new role..and I really like it. I have never felt so in tune with my nose. It is like it is telling me things.
I was telling Joyce yesterday that while I was walking outside earlier in the day, I noticed how sweet the air smelled. Usually, I wouldn’t think twice about it, but i just became really wrapped up in it. I would describe the smell for you, but I don’t think I could adequately do that, and I also don’t think it would make a difference — It was sweet, and I didn’t want to go inside. This isn’t the first time I’ve been tempted to find excuses to be outside. But unfortunately I usually have places to be and/or things to work on that necessitate the use of electricity.
But getting back to smells, home smells really….”right” to me right now. And it’s not even that the smells are pleasing on a physical level….it smells like…dust…lots of unsorted clothing…and my cat. Not too appealing when you spell it out. But on some subconscious, more intuitive level, these smells are deeply pleasing to me.